Sunday, July 17, 2011

Week 1: Letters to my babies, and self portrait.

Dear Vidalia and Donavan,

I don't even know where to begin. I am trying to make my way through this world until the day we can meet again. I love the both of you so much! I miss and think about you every day. There isn't a day that goes by when one of your brothers or sisters doesn't mention you. You are apart of all that we do. I hope you are looking down on us and seeing how even though you are not here in person you are here in spirit.

I thought I would tell you a little about your father and I, some things you would have known as you grew up. We meet online, I know what your thinking, your mommy and daddy had to use online dating to find each other! But it is the best thing either of us have done. We meet online in March 2007, and had our first date in May. On our first date I drove out to your daddy's apartment in PA (since his car wasn't working right) and we went to this little pizza place not far away. After we had dinner we decided to go bowling where I preceded to win all the games we played. It was getting late and since our date was on a weekday we decided to call it a night. I want you both to know, that your daddy didn't even give me a kiss good by!! He leaned over and pecked me on the cheek! That was it!

The following week we made plans for Daddy to come to our house here in NJ. The plan was that he would spend the weekend. It was Memorial Day weekend. We had a great time. He got to meet your brothers and sisters. He meet many of my friends. Come Monday evening when it was time for him to go home he didn't want to go!  I'm not really sure how it happened but he said something about wishing he could stay, and I told him I wouldn't tell him not to, so he stayed! We both knew we loved each other from almost the first meeting. It was love at first sight!

We have been together ever since. We finally made it official on May 22, 2010. We had this beautiful sunrise wedding on the beach on Long Island. It was perfect! You both were there in our hearts! We had this wonderful lady in Australia write your names out in the sand and photographed them for us. We had those photographs blown up and put onto canvas. That way everyone at our wedding knew that you were very much apart of everything we did.

Love ya both! Mommy

These three pictures represent various points through my journey of healing.

The first one is of me holding my beloved Donavan. He was delivered via c-section on September 23, 2009. A mere 21 weeks old. Too little to survive in this world outside my body. (This is the first time I am sharing his picture)

The second picture is the one and only tattoo I have.  I got it as a gift to myself for my marriage to their father.  No one knew about it besides my husband until the morning I walled down to the pier for our sunrise wedding. I could hear everyone gasping as I walked passed them in my long wedding dress with the open back. There was wipered remarks about not knowing I had a tattoo. Even my mother and father were shocked. This is something no one expected from me.

The last picture is one of me from just this week, taken especially for this assignment. As I was thinking about how I was going to do this assignment I tried out various different poses and places. I finally settled on a picture of myself in a mirror. This way I could use my camera in a creative way since it is such a part of my life.


Anonymous said...

:( .. Theresa ,I love you ! I hope you find healing through this and hope you help others too, I know personally how hard the affects of losing a child can be to someone and I feel your wings spreading to others to comfort them in their loss .keep up the good work lady you are awesome !

Anonymous said...

you are one sick bitch to bring a picture of a dead fetus in your hands to show to the world!!!!! I would think that a mother like you would worry more about the kids of the marriage you previously had,,,, then the dead fetuses that you carried with the husband you now have because YOUR LAST HUSBAND DIVORCED YOU,,,, not you left him!!!!!What mother in her right mind would drug their children and make them be in love with a child that is not even formed!!!!!!!(Lets totally mess up my kids heads and make them think it's normal)(lets give them drugs so everybody thinks they are the messed up ones,,,and not me) You are the one that needs the drugs to wake up to the real world and realize the things you have, and not the things you you could of had,!!!!! Real life is something you cherish,,,,not something you get the doctors to make believe your kids need drugs to let you cope with life better because you can't cope with your 9/11 breakdowns!!!!!! wake up and let everybody know the truth,, instead of telling them lies about about yourself and your kids!!! you would probably be appreciated a lot more the way you like to be,,,,, not like the liar that you truly are!!!!

Anonymous said...

Donavan is perfect!! Thank you for sharing him. I am so sorry for the previous response, all our children are important and a beautiful blessing, whether they are here with us or with the Lord. They forever change our perspective and they grow our hearts more than we could imagine. I know your little girl was just as beautiful as your son, all our babies are :) We lost a child after our daughter, and we lost our son's fraternal twin. (He was also a 25 week microprem) And to us, that photo is so precious. Such a shame that there are people in this world who seem so cruel and callous, and do not see the pure beauty and innocence in front of them xx

Anonymous said...

Im so glad you have some photos of D. And thank you so much for feeling like you could share them and your story.
Every baby is so very special. No matter how far along you are in your pg, how long they lived for.

As for the revolting person who posted above, well that says way more about them than anything else. Unstable maybe??? No all there??? Because lets face it, even those who have not walked in our shoes have compassion what we have been through .... its just that ever so often anlong comea a half wit whos just not the full quid!
Hugs xxx

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry your beautiful babies could not stay with you although I'm sure they are with you in spirit. Thank you for sharing little Donavon. He's so precious.

It's a pity not all people can see the beauty in life.

A life is a life no matter how small. RIP sweet angels.

Anonymous said...

This blog is truly beautiful. In all honesty I mean BEAUTIFUL. What an honour to read your journey and share your precious photo of your sweet boy. That is so very brave of you and what an amazing way to honour him and your family. I was, however, entertained by the post from the earlier post. I thought it was a true taste of insanity. May god help them because no-one else can. That person seems such a mess. Please ignore them because there are scores of people who would feel entirely differently, actually most of the modern world would :). Sending you love and light in your journey x

Anonymous said...

Theresa, I think it is so brave of you to share the photo of you and Donovan. I remember how apprehensive I was at first to share photos of my son with others. I was worried about what others would think. But at some point, I just couldn't stand the thought of not sharing his beauty with the world. These babies were loved from the moment they were created. And they are perfect and beautiful. And we are proud of them and have every right to be. Please don't let the cowardly, abusive jackass who posted above (or anyone else) let you think any differently. I am so sorry for the sorrow you have experienced. I am so proud to know you. Your journey is an inspiration, and I am so glad that you have found the strength to share it with others.